Sometimes it is really hard for me to internalize all the growth that I have experienced the past few years. I am not really sure that there is a specific moment where it all began to feel real- all I know is that the past three years have proven to be markedly different. Since when does a calendar year encompass a transition into adulthood, a steady job that allows me to live on my own means, and the notion that the decisions I make on a daily basis will affect the rest of my life in big ways? I guess you could say that every year does this, and that each year is a notch closer to attaining the final goal of a well crafted life- but I don't think I've ever been able to take this approach when examining how I will execute key moments that will undoubtedly shape my life.
So much has happened in the past month alone. I have returned from a trip where I met all of my distant relatives that are actually much closer to my heart than I could have ever hoped for, I turned 23 and I have been having the most intense feelings of ambition and foresight I have ever experienced. Alas, despite the progress, I can still see how I have digressed into my old habits from the past. It seems like no matter how far I've come, there is no forgetting where and why I have become the person I am.
My family is such a driving force behind my greatest achievements and deepest emotional crevices I seem to find myself caught in at distinct periods in my life. The one singular thing I am sure of in regards to where I see myself in the future is that I want my family to love and be genuinely proud of what I have become and how they have helped me get there. Sometimes this is a great driver for perseverance- but it can also act as a double-edged sword. There have been many instances where I have witnessed their happiness taking a toll on my own self worth. How much is too much (as far as executing on the advice that I am given)? Where do I draw the line between decisions I have to make on my own versus collaborative? How do I know that I am making the right decision for me if I hold everything that I am told by my family in such high regard? These types of questions constantly plague me when I get into the thought process of working my way to the ideal life I would like to see myself living. I guess it will take a few more formative years before these questions are answered, if ever... But in the meantime I will continue to strive towards Love- the single thread I can rely on to unify all of the various components of a well lived life.
Background Music: Those to Come - The Shins
